" 'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be someone for me like that.
'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know their not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There's gotta be someone for me out there."
--Nickelback "Gotta Be Somebody"
Dear Diary,
I've learned many things due to my chronic illness, but I've learned one thing that I never wanted to. I've learned what it is like to feel that you'll never have somebody to share your life with. I've learned that it is hard to keep a relationship going, and that normal relationship issues are so much worse when you throw in a few illnesses. I've learned that people don't understand, diary. It scares me. It scares me to think that I will never find a boy that will support me, that will hold my hand when I'm sick and tell me that I'm going to be okay, that will love me despite my illness.
Every little little girl imagines their wedding. I used to think about mine. I would find the perfect boy, the perfect dress, and the perfect place. Everything would be perfect.
It has all changed though.
I now imagine what my funeral will be like. I imagine how my death would effect people. Because this is my reality. I may not make it another 10 years despite how hard I fight. I will never give up and I will always fight, but one mistake can be the end of me. One treatment option can be the end of me.
And I am terrified.
I am terrified that I will never see my wedding day. I am terrified that I will never meet that one person. That one person who will come to all my doctor appointments with me. That one person who will support me. That one person who will see me for who I am rather than what I have.
I'm scared that I will never experience one of the most amazing things life has to offer; Love.
And maybe this selfish of me. I have so many people that love and care about me. I have so many people that are by my side. I have experienced the unconditional, unwavering love of a family. Of friends. Maybe this should be enough and it is. It's more than I can ask for, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to experience the other type of love. The love that you aren't born with. The love that grows over time and you have to work for.
It scares me, diary, that I may never find that.
I may never find anyone that understands me, and I can see why. Why would somebody want to deal with someone that is so complicated? Why would someone want to start a relationship with someone that is sick all of the time? I understand why people don't want to get involved with me. I'm not a safe bet. I'm not even a good bet because chances are that I am going to face many problems for the rest of my life. The chances that I will ever get better aren't good. I understand why people don't think of me like that. People don't want to date the sick kid. People don't even consider the sick kid an option, and it is not fair. I may not be a safe or good bet, but I am still a bet.Why can't people see past the tubes, past the paleness, past the rings under my eyes, past the tiredness, the nausea, the sickness to see who I am?
I'm only 19, diary, I shouldn't have to worry about the fact that I may never find love, but this is my reality. I don't get looked at like other girls do. I don't get chances to show people who I am.
I am the "sick" girl.
But the truth is, I am so much more.
Love Forever & Always,
Me
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be someone for me like that.
'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know their not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There's gotta be someone for me out there."
--Nickelback "Gotta Be Somebody"
Dear Diary,
I've learned many things due to my chronic illness, but I've learned one thing that I never wanted to. I've learned what it is like to feel that you'll never have somebody to share your life with. I've learned that it is hard to keep a relationship going, and that normal relationship issues are so much worse when you throw in a few illnesses. I've learned that people don't understand, diary. It scares me. It scares me to think that I will never find a boy that will support me, that will hold my hand when I'm sick and tell me that I'm going to be okay, that will love me despite my illness.
Every little little girl imagines their wedding. I used to think about mine. I would find the perfect boy, the perfect dress, and the perfect place. Everything would be perfect.
It has all changed though.
I now imagine what my funeral will be like. I imagine how my death would effect people. Because this is my reality. I may not make it another 10 years despite how hard I fight. I will never give up and I will always fight, but one mistake can be the end of me. One treatment option can be the end of me.
And I am terrified.
I am terrified that I will never see my wedding day. I am terrified that I will never meet that one person. That one person who will come to all my doctor appointments with me. That one person who will support me. That one person who will see me for who I am rather than what I have.
I'm scared that I will never experience one of the most amazing things life has to offer; Love.
And maybe this selfish of me. I have so many people that love and care about me. I have so many people that are by my side. I have experienced the unconditional, unwavering love of a family. Of friends. Maybe this should be enough and it is. It's more than I can ask for, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to experience the other type of love. The love that you aren't born with. The love that grows over time and you have to work for.
It scares me, diary, that I may never find that.
I may never find anyone that understands me, and I can see why. Why would somebody want to deal with someone that is so complicated? Why would someone want to start a relationship with someone that is sick all of the time? I understand why people don't want to get involved with me. I'm not a safe bet. I'm not even a good bet because chances are that I am going to face many problems for the rest of my life. The chances that I will ever get better aren't good. I understand why people don't think of me like that. People don't want to date the sick kid. People don't even consider the sick kid an option, and it is not fair. I may not be a safe or good bet, but I am still a bet.Why can't people see past the tubes, past the paleness, past the rings under my eyes, past the tiredness, the nausea, the sickness to see who I am?
I'm only 19, diary, I shouldn't have to worry about the fact that I may never find love, but this is my reality. I don't get looked at like other girls do. I don't get chances to show people who I am.
I am the "sick" girl.
But the truth is, I am so much more.
Love Forever & Always,
Me
No comments:
Post a Comment