It's All So Bittersweet

"All we are is a bitter sweet sundown.

A little bit of love and a little bit of let down.

I can't keep you around...can't keep you around.

In this bittersweet sundown."

-- Framing Hanley "Bittersweet Sundown"

Dear Diary,

Change. 

One word that says so much about life. About who we are as people. About where we are going.

About who we will become.

One word that sums it all up. There has been so much change.

I didn't know if I would ever sit here and type this.

I didn't know if I would make it this far. I didn't know if I'd even be alive.

I didn't know if the next diagnosis, the next words written on my chart, would be the last ones.

I never gave up on my future. I never gave up on my life.

But, I wasn't unrealistic.

I knew the next diagnosis, the next surgery, the next few years could lead to that one day.

It's weird to think how much that one day could change it all.

I would lay in my final bed in a pretty little dress in the middle of a room full of love, but I wouldn't wake up from that bed. I wouldn't wake up.

I never really knew how I felt about that.

It was always in the back of my mind. Always sitting there, waiting for me to notice.

In a way, I kind of just accepted that fact.

My life wasn't a sure thing.

I wasn't promised tomorrow.

I wasn't even promised one more hour at some points.

And I accepted that.

All I wanted was to be remembered. To do something that would change the world in some small way. I wanted people to remember my name. I wanted to change a life.

I wanted my story to live on, so that the next few generations would be hearing stories of a girl that fought. A girl that fought until her last breath. A girl that may not be here anymore, but won her battle.

I wasn't ready to leave before that.

It's surreal to think last year I never thought I would be sitting here today writing this to you.

I never thought I'd have the opportunity to say that I made it. To say that I fought  through the battle.

To say that it might just be a small victory, but I did it. That was me. I made it.
I won.
But, yet, here I am today.
I'm surrounded by change. I'm surrounded by opportunity. I'm surrounded by something that I didn't know if I'd get to experience.
And it's scary.
It's terrifying, actually.
Everything changed so fast and suddenly I have new, great people walking into my life.
I'm getting a second chance at life, and I'm going to take it.
I have new experiences awaiting me.
I am reinventing my life. Reinventing myself.
It's amazing, and wonderful, and so new.
But, it's also a little bittersweet.
And, as I sit here, I think, Where am I going? Who am I going to become?
It's a whole new chapter in my life.
It's a whole new story that I need to write.
And, It's kind of like the sunset. Beautiful and Sad.
I love the new experiences and things in my life.
I'm so grateful to have this change, to have this experience.
But, I know, along the way I'm going to have to leave some things go.
I'm going to have to say goodbye to things that once felt so important.
I'm going to have to set, and rise the next day the same person, but a little bit different.
I'm going to have to change.
My life is going to have to change.
And, as bittersweet as that feels, I know I need to embrace it.
I need to change in order to become who I am supposed to be.
And, maybe that's just life.
Nothing is ever definite. Nothing is immune  to change. Nothing can escape it.
I have to accept it, and know that despite the fear,
I'll be okay.
Because
I made it.
I did it.
I won.

Love Forever & Always,
Me

Bruises

"These bruises make for better conversation.

Loses the vibe that separates.

It's good to let you in again.

You're not alone in how you've been.

Everybody loses, We all got bruises.

We all got bruises."

--Train "Bruises"

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, I sit here and think of all the things I've been through in life. The good. The bad. The pretty. The ugly. The past and future. I think about what I lost and what I gained. 

I think about all the things I've learned, and all the things that I have yet to learn.

I think of the battles I've won, and the battles I lost. I think of the fights and struggles that changed my life. 

I think of all the bruises.

The ones everybody can see, and the ones hidden deep inside myself.

I think of all the memories and stories that come with them.

I think of other people's bruises, and it makes me wonder.

It makes me wonder what other people are going through.

It makes me wonder about all the pain and joy I can't see.

It makes me wonder if anyone ever wonders about my bruises, my stories.

Sometimes, I wonder if the bruises ever really go away.

I don't think they do. 

I think, sometimes, they change.

Sometimes, they lessen. They get smaller. They look better, but I think deep inside they always stick with us.

I feel myself getting scared sometimes. Scared that something will happen.

Anxious that there will always be a black cloud there.

Nervous for the struggles and obstacles to come after the good.

And then I realize, that I'm the one that's causing those feelings.

I'm the one letting my past influence my feelings.

I'm the one with the bruises.

There isn't always going to be a storm. There isn't always going to be bad things coming with the good. Sometimes, there will be. 

Things happen. That is life, but that doesn't take the happiness away from the good things.

I'm the only one that can do that.

I'm the only one that can control how much I let the past effect me.

The obstacles don't happen to take the good things away.

They are two different things. There will always be obstacles, but with the obstacles, there will always come things to learn. Things to feel. Things to find out about myself.

Maybe it's not that the good brings obstacles, but that the obstacles bring on the good.

Maybe this doesn't make sense at all.

But, I think I'm starting to love all my bruises. I think I'm realizing that I wouldn't change my past or present for the world.

I am who I am, every struggle, every obstacle, every great thing.

I wouldn't want my life to be any other way.

I'm glad I have bruises. 

I'm glad I am who I am.

Love Forever and Always,

Me 

Life is Messy and Beautiful and Insane and Simply Perfect

"Remain close, but stay away.

Keep your distance, but be careful how far you stray.

Don't forget where you were born.

Don't forget this moment."

--The Details "Always, Always, Always, Never."

Dear Diary,

 I've been thinking about this tonight. Not for the first time. I'm sure it won't be the last.

I think it goes through all our minds. You know, when that happy ending is at the end movie, that's when we think this. When we read about this epic story where everything ends up perfect and everybody loves everybody, we think it.

   We dream it. We think it. We strive for it.

We want perfect.

We want the happy ending, where nobody gets hurt or sick, and everybody falls in love.

And, in a way, this is okay. It's okay to want love and happy endings.

But, if we strive only for this reality, we forget what life really is.

Life is messy. 

It is a big ball of mess that we can never figure out.

The mess is never ending.

Life isn't perfect. It's filled with heartbreak. It's filled with hate.

It's filled with illness and sickness. It's filled with obstacles.

Life is messy, but in the middle of that, it's beautiful.

We strive so much to get perfection, when reality, the mess is the perfection.

We forget. We forget how the bad things make the good things so good.

It's the mess that helps us become who we are.

It helps us to find and see the love in the world.

It mold us into becoming strong, resilient, and amazing.

And, maybe, sometimes it's a little insane.

It's painful, busy, complicated, hard, and perfect.

I think that we forget that perfect doesn't mean everything will end up exactly how we want it.

Perfect doesn't mean everything will be okay.

Perfect doesn't mean that we will never fight with the person we love.

Perfect doesn't even mean that we will automatically have a happy ending.

Perfect is messy. We will fight with the people we love. They will hurt us and we will hurt them, at times. Some of the people we love won't be good for us. We may not be good for them. Unexpected things will happen. People will get sick. Plans will get changed. I will struggle. Everybody will struggle. There will always be another obstacle, but in the end, life really is wonderful.

It's in all the hard stuff that we find the beautiful things. That we find love. That we get perfection.

I love my life. 

It is messy. It is hard and complicated, and sometimes I don't know what tomorrow will bring. 

But, at the end of the day, despite all the hardships, it's amazing.

It's an adventure.

It is simply messy and perfect, and I wouldn't anything less.

I'm okay with that.

You have to make your own happy ending. You have to create your own perfect.

Mostly, you just have to learn to love the mess.

Because, in it's own insanely complicated, messy, and overlooked way, Life is perfect.

Love Forever & Always,

Me

"If everyone cared and nobody cried,

If everyone loved and nobody lied,

If everyone shared and swallowed their pride,

Then we'd see the day nobody died. 

And in the air the fireflies,

Our only light in paradise.

We show the world that they were wrong,

And teach them all to sing along."

--Nickelback "If Everyone Cared"

 Dear Diary,

I have something on my mind tonight. I don't really want to get into details.

I just thought I would talk to you about this, diary.

I thought I would talk to you because I am upset.

I really try. I really try so hard. I try to be a good person.

I try to do what is right. I try to be kind.

I try to be grateful and generous.

I try to be thankful.

The thing is, though, I will never truly be able to show everyone how thankful I am for all of them, and all that they do for me.

All I can do is try.
I can pay it back.

But, the truth is, I will never be able to show everyone how much they mean to me, how much they truly help me, and mostly how much they inspire me.

It does not take a nation to change the world. All it takes is one person, and the simplest things can mean the world to someone else.

This what we are here for. It may not be our whole plan and destiny, but being kind is whats makes us who we are. 

Helping others is part of humanity.

It's a part of each and every one of us, but sometimes people get lost a long the way.

It's not enough to do something for attention or because you think you should.

That's not enough.

You need to do things in anonymity. 

Do things that nobody knows about because you want to, because it's the right thing to do.

Don't brag about it. Don't expect gratitude or even a thanks.

Do it because you care.

Do it because you love.

Mostly, do it because it only takes one person to start changing the world.

Sometimes, it frustrates me. It frustrates me when people do things with ulterior motives.

But, I'm starting to think, that people like this need our kindness and positivity the most.

I think I'm realizing that I need to change the way I look at people who make me upset.

When someone is unkind, it should just give me more of a reason to be kind to them.

I need to realize that instead of getting upset, I should show kindness towards them.

Positivity is contagious. We just need to take the initiative to show people. 

It's so simple to show someone a little positivity.

A smile, a few nice words, or even a simple act of kindness can do this. 

I think Gandhi had it right when he said to "Be the change you want to see in the world."

If we want others to be kind, we must kind ourselves.

We must show everyone how we see the world, if we want them to take their shades off.

We must be the change.

Love Forever and Always,

Me 

Balance

"Sometimes I don't want to feel and forget the pain is real,

put my head in the clouds. Oh, I start to run  and then I fall thinking
I can't get it all without my feet on the ground.
There's always a seed before there's a rose.
The more that it rains, the more I will grow.
I gotta have roots before branches, to know who I am before
I know who I want to be, and faith to take chances, 
to live like I see a place in this world for me.
Whatever comes, I know how to take it.
Learn to be strong, I won't have to fake it.
Oh, you're understanding. The wind can come and do it's best.
Blow me North, South, East, and West, but I'll still be standing.
I'll be standing."
--Room for Two "Roots Before Branches"

 Dear Diary,
It's been a while, but I think I needed this.
I needed to write because words help. One word can say so many things. 
One word can hold so many emotions and feelings.
And what I feel, well, it's frustrated. 
Did you ever feel like every time you take two steps forward that you have to jump through another obstacle? That you have to take a step back?
I jumped through hoops to get where I am. I am a miracle, and I am so grateful for that.
I'm so grateful that I was able to get this far in life.
I'm so grateful to eat, to just be able to do that one simple thing. That one simple thing that so many take for granted.
I'm so grateful to just be alive because there is still so many things I want to do, and so many people I want to help.
But, sometimes, I get frustrated.
Sometimes, it's hard to get so far and then take a step back.
I know that I can handle whatever storm comes my way.
I know I am strong.
I know that a little faith, hope, and positivity can save your life.
It's, just, sometimes it's hard for me to find that balance.
I will never be completely healthy.
I will never be normal.
I've accepted that. I've accepted that my life is complicated and that I'm unique, and honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. I have learned so much through all my struggles, and they have helped me become somebody I'm proud of. I am who I am because of them. I am strong and resilient, and I have the drive to help people. I'm not my illness, but it sure does play a role in shaping me. I'm okay with that.
I have accepted all of this.
It's just hard to find balance.
How do I find that place where I can be recovering and sick at the same time? How do I find that place where I know my limits and how to pace myself?
It seems like it should be so easy. It seems simple.
But, it's not, and maybe that's okay.
Maybe I'm just one big contradiction.
 Recovering, yet sick. Unique, yet complicated. Frustrated, yet happy.
Maybe I'm just one big mystery that I haven't even completely figured out yet.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure what life is going to hand me. I don't know what cards will be dealt.
I know I'm going to get frustrated, and even mad sometimes.
I know I will struggle with my health, and that I will have to take a step or two back every once in a while.
But, in the end, I know I'll climb that mountain and cross that bridge when I get there.
I know I will keep on going because that is who I am.
It doesn't matter how many things are in my way, or how many times I lose or get frustrated.
I am a fighter, and that's not going to change.
I will never give up. I will never back down. I will never lose faith.
Because this is my journey. This is my life.
This is my story, and I'm not going to stop writing it.


Love Forever and Always,
Me 

Upside

"I want to turn the whole thing upside down.

I'll find the things they say just can't be found.

I'll share this love I find with everyone."

--Jack Johnson "Upside Down"

Dear Diary,

It took me a long time to realize this. Maybe it took me a long time to see. 

I mean really see, not just with my eyes. Not just see it because it's right in front of me, but really see with everything I have and everything that I am.

It's funny, you know. Sometimes the best messages, don't come when your expecting them.

They're not written in a book, or even given by a person.

Sometimes the best messages are just there. They are just there waiting to be found, and sometimes if you look hard enough, you'll find out that they were right in front of you the whole time.

I never really thought myself to be someone that is closed minded. I always thought that I did see the world around me, but I'm not sure that's true. I think I'm just beginning to see what's right in front of me.

You know, there really is an upside to everything. The world isn't black in white. It's not even grey. It's just a brilliant shade of every color. It's a rainbow, and you never know what to expect.

I think we forget that. We constantly want to see the bad in everything. We constantly want everything to be in black and white. To fall into these neat little categories that we construct for ourselves. But, that's not life. Life doesn't fall into a category of good or bad. It's everything in between that. If we constantly try to put a label on everything, were not really seeing. It's like we are blind in a place where there's so much to see. Where everything everything exists if we just wake up. If we just open our eyes and see.

If we just constantly grasp to the upside of everything, despite what life tells us, then we are really seeing. We are really seeing how beautiful everything can be.

Life was never meant to be easy, but it's not supposed to be hard either.

It's just supposed to be.

If we never really see that, are we ever really living?

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but maybe it will.

Just do me a favor, and open your eyes.

Love Forever and Always,

Me

Be The Best You

"I've got bruises on my hands and knees,

And a list of failures in between.

Always dirty, I am never clean,

Music is what you hear, and not what you see.

There's something wrong. This isn't right.

I make the rules or I'm gone tonight.

I signed the line, but I didn't lose control.

They'll tell you lies right to your eyes.

Before you know, they'll suck you dry."

-- Anarbor "Always Dirty, Never Clean"

Dear Diary,

There's a lot going on in my mind lately. Let's face it, there's always a lot going on in my mind. 

I'm really not sure what direction I'm going to go with this conversation right now.

But, sometimes I just don't get it, diary.

Sometimes I just don't get the world or the people in it. It seems so easy to lose yourself in everything. In things that just don't matter at all. It seems that it doesn't take much for people to forget that they are surrounded by other human beings. Human beings who they should be helping.

You can only get things done right if you do them yourself.

I've heard it many times. You've heard it many times. We've all heard in many times.

I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe that I can only get things done if I do them myself. And I shouldn't have to believe that.

But that's the thing about life, isn't it, diary?

 Reality isn't always what you want.

It bothers me though. It bothers me that people need to benefit in order to do something for someone else. And all I can ask is why? Why isn't it good enough to just help someone to help them? Why don't other people feel the need to help, even if it's just with something simple?

Isn't that what we were all put here to do? To help each other? To be the best people we can be?

Sometimes I feel like the world is a complete mess, and no ones willing to help out.  A really good friend of mine once compared the world to a styrofoam cup. 

She couldn't have been anymore right.

We just keep picking at the cup, wearing it down. Tearing it apart. I wonder what is going to happen in the end.

Because what is really going to be left?

What is going to be left of this world in a few years if no one's willing to help anyone else? 

I don't know if I'll be around in the next few years. I'm not sure anyone truly does know, though. 

But even if we are going to be around or aren't going to be around,

Shouldn't we be scared?

Shouldn't we be scared of the world we are creating?

I don't know if this post is even making any sense. My guess is probably not, diary. 

It's just I really don't know how to explain it right now. I'm frustrated with people being unwilling to help other people out of the good of their hearts. I know there are good people out there, but I just don't understand why other people don't make those people their role models. 

I don't get why you wouldn't want to be the best person you could be.

But maybe I'm just being naive.

All I know is that I try to be a good person. I really try and it bothers me to think that sometimes I'm not the best person that I can be. It bothers me to think that some people may think I'm not a good person. But, at least I'm trying because it matters to me.

The quality of person that I am matters to me because in the end the only thing that is going to matter is how people remember me. It's going to matter what kind of person I was and if I lived my life in a way that honored and inspired my family, my friends, and the people I've came in contact with. Maybe even the people that I didn't come in contact with. 

It's going to matter who I helped just because I should, not because it would benefit me.

It's going to matter if I was a good person or not.

They are the things that are going to matter to me. 

Sometimes I wonder what is going to matter to other people, and I would never wish for someone to look back on their life and be disappointed. 

I guess what I'm trying to say, diary,  is that life should be about more than the things that benefit you. 

It should be about the things you do that benefit other people.

Because trust me, those things will benefit you to.

Even if you don't realize it.

Love Forever and Always,

Me