"Sometimes I don't want to feel and forget the pain is real,
put my head in the clouds. Oh, I start to run and then I fall thinking
I can't get it all without my feet on the ground.
There's always a seed before there's a rose.
The more that it rains, the more I will grow.
I gotta have roots before branches, to know who I am before
I know who I want to be, and faith to take chances,
to live like I see a place in this world for me.
Whatever comes, I know how to take it.
Learn to be strong, I won't have to fake it.
Oh, you're understanding. The wind can come and do it's best.
Blow me North, South, East, and West, but I'll still be standing.
I'll be standing."
--Room for Two "Roots Before Branches"
Dear Diary,
It's been a while, but I think I needed this.
I needed to write because words help. One word can say so many things.
One word can hold so many emotions and feelings.
And what I feel, well, it's frustrated.
Did you ever feel like every time you take two steps forward that you have to jump through another obstacle? That you have to take a step back?
I jumped through hoops to get where I am. I am a miracle, and I am so grateful for that.
I'm so grateful that I was able to get this far in life.
I'm so grateful to eat, to just be able to do that one simple thing. That one simple thing that so many take for granted.
I'm so grateful to just be alive because there is still so many things I want to do, and so many people I want to help.
But, sometimes, I get frustrated.
Sometimes, it's hard to get so far and then take a step back.
I know that I can handle whatever storm comes my way.
I know I am strong.
I know that a little faith, hope, and positivity can save your life.
It's, just, sometimes it's hard for me to find that balance.
I will never be completely healthy.
I will never be normal.
I've accepted that. I've accepted that my life is complicated and that I'm unique, and honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. I have learned so much through all my struggles, and they have helped me become somebody I'm proud of. I am who I am because of them. I am strong and resilient, and I have the drive to help people. I'm not my illness, but it sure does play a role in shaping me. I'm okay with that.
I have accepted all of this.
It's just hard to find balance.
How do I find that place where I can be recovering and sick at the same time? How do I find that place where I know my limits and how to pace myself?
It seems like it should be so easy. It seems simple.
But, it's not, and maybe that's okay.
Maybe I'm just one big contradiction.
Recovering, yet sick. Unique, yet complicated. Frustrated, yet happy.
Maybe I'm just one big mystery that I haven't even completely figured out yet.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure what life is going to hand me. I don't know what cards will be dealt.
I know I'm going to get frustrated, and even mad sometimes.
I know I will struggle with my health, and that I will have to take a step or two back every once in a while.
But, in the end, I know I'll climb that mountain and cross that bridge when I get there.
I know I will keep on going because that is who I am.
It doesn't matter how many things are in my way, or how many times I lose or get frustrated.
I am a fighter, and that's not going to change.
I will never give up. I will never back down. I will never lose faith.
Because this is my journey. This is my life.
This is my story, and I'm not going to stop writing it.
Love Forever and Always,
Me
I can't get it all without my feet on the ground.
There's always a seed before there's a rose.
The more that it rains, the more I will grow.
I gotta have roots before branches, to know who I am before
I know who I want to be, and faith to take chances,
to live like I see a place in this world for me.
Whatever comes, I know how to take it.
Learn to be strong, I won't have to fake it.
Oh, you're understanding. The wind can come and do it's best.
Blow me North, South, East, and West, but I'll still be standing.
I'll be standing."
--Room for Two "Roots Before Branches"
Dear Diary,
It's been a while, but I think I needed this.
I needed to write because words help. One word can say so many things.
One word can hold so many emotions and feelings.
And what I feel, well, it's frustrated.
Did you ever feel like every time you take two steps forward that you have to jump through another obstacle? That you have to take a step back?
I jumped through hoops to get where I am. I am a miracle, and I am so grateful for that.
I'm so grateful that I was able to get this far in life.
I'm so grateful to eat, to just be able to do that one simple thing. That one simple thing that so many take for granted.
I'm so grateful to just be alive because there is still so many things I want to do, and so many people I want to help.
But, sometimes, I get frustrated.
Sometimes, it's hard to get so far and then take a step back.
I know that I can handle whatever storm comes my way.
I know I am strong.
I know that a little faith, hope, and positivity can save your life.
It's, just, sometimes it's hard for me to find that balance.
I will never be completely healthy.
I will never be normal.
I've accepted that. I've accepted that my life is complicated and that I'm unique, and honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. I have learned so much through all my struggles, and they have helped me become somebody I'm proud of. I am who I am because of them. I am strong and resilient, and I have the drive to help people. I'm not my illness, but it sure does play a role in shaping me. I'm okay with that.
I have accepted all of this.
It's just hard to find balance.
How do I find that place where I can be recovering and sick at the same time? How do I find that place where I know my limits and how to pace myself?
It seems like it should be so easy. It seems simple.
But, it's not, and maybe that's okay.
Maybe I'm just one big contradiction.
Recovering, yet sick. Unique, yet complicated. Frustrated, yet happy.
Maybe I'm just one big mystery that I haven't even completely figured out yet.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure what life is going to hand me. I don't know what cards will be dealt.
I know I'm going to get frustrated, and even mad sometimes.
I know I will struggle with my health, and that I will have to take a step or two back every once in a while.
But, in the end, I know I'll climb that mountain and cross that bridge when I get there.
I know I will keep on going because that is who I am.
It doesn't matter how many things are in my way, or how many times I lose or get frustrated.
I am a fighter, and that's not going to change.
I will never give up. I will never back down. I will never lose faith.
Because this is my journey. This is my life.
This is my story, and I'm not going to stop writing it.
Love Forever and Always,
Me
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