Who Am I?

"Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, Dreaming is believing.
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing.
Everybody's bruising.
Just be true to who you are."
--Jessie J "Who You Are"

Dear Diary,

I've broken the silence and told you about some of my illnesses. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about who I am as a person. When I became sick, I learned a lot about life. I learned a lot about who I am. I learned about who I'm not. Mostly, I learned that it is very important to be true to yourself because it doesn't pay to be anything but.
I think about my past a lot. I think about all those times I've done things to "fit" in. I think of all those times I've tried to hide who I was because I wanted the boy, the popularity, and the friends. And then I think, what did those things get me? Why was it so important to be like everyone else? Why was it so important not to be myself?
I learned that these things aren't important because they aren't me.

I don't want to be someone else.
I'm not preppy. I'm not a jock. I'm not emo. I'm not a punk.
I'm just me, diary.

I'm the kind of girl who hates getting her picture taken, but likes to look at pictures. I'm the kind of girl who isn't embarrassed to tell her friends and family they love them. I'm the kind of girl that is afraid of boats and will freak out on elevators. I'm the kind of girl that will wear yoga pants and a t-shirt, but will also take two hours to dress up and get ready if I feel like it. I'm the kind of girl that likes playing video games, especially ones that involve zombie killing. I'm the kind of girl that watches too much television and movies, but also reads constantly. I'm the kind of girl that wears her hair in a pony, but also the kind of girl that will spend an hour trying out other hair styles. I'm the kind of girl that is so opinionated that I will argue endlessly about certain things, but also the kind of girl that is learning tact. I'm the kind of girl that has many insecurities, but also believes that everybody is pretty in their own way. I'm the kind of girl that isn't always nice, but really tries to be.
I'm the kind of girl who has a million ideas about how to change the world. The kind of girl that worries about the kid down the hall in the hospital that is having a hard time. The kind of girl that will lecture you about being mean or making fun of someone. The kind of girl that still has faith in people, in the world, despite all the horror stories on the news. The kind of girl that people think is naive for trying to see the good in people. The kind of girl that will fight for my life and the people in it.
Mostly, I'm the kind of girl that isn't going to be defined by the things I do or diseases I have, but rather the kind of person I am.
You see, I am not perfect. I'm not even close, and that's okay.
I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to be anybody else.

I'm starting to realize that it's perfectly fine to be myself because, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what other people think of me.
I'm not living for them and I'm not okay with being anything but myself.
I'm just me, diary.

Love Forever & Always,
Me

Purple Toes, Beating Hearts, and Mixed Up Nerves

Dear Diary,

I was around ten years old when I first heard anything about dysautonomia. It's weird how back then it didn't even seem like a big deal. I wasn't entirely sure what it meant back then and I wasn't seeing a doctor that specialized in it. Throughout my life, I have been diagnosed with viruses that have dysautonomic components and diseases that have dysautonomic components. It wasn't til years later that we finally looked into dysautonomia. I saw a few doctors and was diagnosed. Dysautonomia happens when your autonomic nervous system, which controls basically everything you don't have to think about to do, doesn't function properly. There are many different kinds of dysautonomias, but the one that I'm effected by the most is Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, which is usually just called POTS. With these diseases comes a whole array of weird symptoms. When I say weird, I mean it. You see, it wouldn't be weird for my feet to be extremely purple in color at times. It also wouldn't be weird for my heart rate to be about 120 laying down at rest and my blood pressure about 70/30. My heart beats fast, my blood pressure runs really low, and my temperature at normal is about 96 something. They are all part of dysautonomia. I also dehydrate quicker than most people and I don't tolerate extremely hot temperature very well. I can pass out if I stand up to quickly and it isn't strange for me to have "brain fog". My pupils dilate to the point that people think I'm high, when I'm most definitely not. Another weird thing about my dysautonomia is that I don't feel pain as another person might, which is kind of a good thing. My pain tolerance is extremely high to the point that sometimes doctors aren't sure whats wrong because I should be in more pain than I am. Digestive disorders are also a major symptom of dysautomia, and these are just some of the symptoms.
Some of these things used to scare me, especially when my brain would fog, diary.
It used to scare me to the point that I would think something was very wrong, especially during times of dysautomic crises when all these symptoms become exacerbated greatly.
I'm used to it now though.
It's strange to think that something so uncommon can become normal when you deal with it on a daily basis.
Another disease I have been dealing with is Reflex Neurovascular Dystrophy, or RND. This is a condition where your nerves don't always send the right signals to parts of your body. For instance, diary, I may break my finger and all my joints might start to hurt because the nerves are sending the pain everywhere. It mostly originates in my fingers, so if I hurt something or burn my fingers may ache the next day.
There are no known cures for these diseases.
In fact there isn't even a lot of research on these diseases yet.
You can treat the symptoms, diary, but every patient is a little different.
You basically have to experiment with different medicine.
And each medicine has its own side effects usually.
It can be very frustrating, diary.

Love Forever & Always,
ME

Paralysis and Other Things

Dear Diary,

Eating is a very important part of a person's life. Almost everything revolves around it. At a family gathering, people eat picnic foods. At a birthday, cake is a big hit. On a date, people go out to eat and a movie. Eating helps sustain life.
Eating is essential, or so I thought.

I have not eaten in over 365 days.
I have not eaten in over 1 year.
I physically cannot sustain life without assistance.

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. My stomach is basically paralyzed. The nerves do not work. The muscles do not work. My stomach is essentially dead. Since then, I was diagnosed with CIP or Chronic Intestinal Pseudo-Obstruction. This basically means that my intestines are slow. The nerves don't work, so pseudo-obstructions are formed because the intestines don't move things through them. My muscles in my intestines work a little with a medicine, but without proper medicine they don't work fully. My digestive tract does not work properly.
I cannot eat, therefore, I cannot live without assistance, diary.
I eat through my veins. Every night I am hooked up to Total Paraenteral Nutrition. This goes through a Port, which is a medical device under my skin that contains a tube that goes directly into a major vein and continues to a place right before my heart.

This is my lifeline.
Without this, I would not be able to stay nourished.
Without this, I would die.

This lifeline can also end up being the death of me. There aren't many things in life that don't have risks or consequences. This is no exception. I have already suffered a blood clot and two blood infections due to central lines. It's weird to think that the only thing keeping you alive can also kill you, but this is my reality. My diseases can kill me, or my treatments can. Others have died from these complications.
I have another tube. It is called a GJ tube. It goes from outside my abdomen and into my stomache. Another tube connected goes to my jejunum. I use the jejunal tube to try to push formula into my intestines. I do not accept this kind of feed well. I cannot accept enough to survive on just this type of feeds. I barely accept anything at all. The g part of my tube allows me to drain if I need it. It's like throwing up without actually having to throw up. With these illnesses, that is a much needed relief. These diseases can cause severe nausea and vomiting almost around the clock. It can cause pain and many other symptoms.

Life isn't promised to people like me, diary. I fight to survive.
Because, in reality,
I cannot keep myself alive, and someday my treatments may not be able to either.


Love Forever & Always,
Me

It's Time

"Do you see me? Do you care?
You talk about me, like I'm not there.
Don't get a word in when you're around
I bet you don't know what I'm about.
'Cause I will, I will speak for myself
What you see isn't all I am.
I need a place to stand.
I will, I will speak for myself.
There's so much your missing,
If you cared to listen."
--Aly & Aj "Speak for Myself"

Dear Diary,

It's time, diary. When I first started writing to you, I didn't tell you what was wrong with me. I didn't explain things, but it wasn't time for me to open you up to my world in that way. It's complicated, you see? My illnesses are not common, not well known. People don't understand them, and it bothers me. I see the way people support illnesses that they know a lot about. I see people's compassion and love for the sufferers of those diseases, but it's not that way for some people with illnesses. Some people don't get that kind of support, love, and compassion because people don't understand. They underestimate the severity and make assumptions. They just don't get it. They don't see that there are so many other illnesses out there that affect people; Like the saying goes, "Out of sight, Out of mind."
I am lucky. I have many people standing beside me, supporting me at every turn. This isn't the case for everyone, and it's time this stops, diary.
It's time to break the silence.
It's time for everyone with an illness, known or unknown, to speak.
It's time for the world to listen.
It's complicated, diary. It's complicated to educate people because some people don't want to know. Some people will always assume, always stay ignorant. But it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter if people don't change. It doesn't matter if people stay ignorant because some people listen. Some people will learn, and that's all it takes.
One person.
One person to make difference.
One person to show compassion.
One person to listen.
One person to try to understand.
It's not going to happen over night. People aren't going to become aware of rare illnesses in one minute, one day, or even one year. But maybe one day ribbons will be worn world wide and car magnets will be distributed everywhere in support of people with all kinds of rare illnesses.
It's time that I educate you, diary.

Love Forever & Always,
ME

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

"If I'm a bad person, you don't like me.
Well, I guess I'll make my own way.
It's a circle, a mean cycle.
I can't excite you anymore.
Where's your gavel? Your jury?
What's my offense this time?"
--Paramore "Ignorance"

Dear Diary,

Ignorance. One word. One word defining one of the worst qualities someone can have. Many say that "Ignorance is bliss", but that's not true. When I became sick, I realized how truly ignorant people are. People don't know so they assume, hate, and disrespect. It's funny that there is so much knowledge out there. There is so many ways a person can learn. It literally only takes 5 minutes to look something up on the internet.
Yet, people choose to stay ignorant.
I'm so frustrated, diary. I am so frustrated that people choose to live a blanketed life. They don't want to learn or take the time to seek out knowledge. They are happy living candy-coated lives. They are happy to judge others simply because they don't really want to understand what another person is going through.
It is so annoying, diary.
I deal with people like this quite frequently. They find out I'm sick with illnesses that are not well known, and they assume. They don't take the time to ask me to explain things to them because they don't care. They get an idea in their mind and run with it, whether it is right or wrong.
They choose to stay ignorant about it because they don't want to know.
They don't want to learn.
Winston Churchill once said "The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it. Ignorance may deride it, but, in the end, there it is." Choosing to be ignorant is not going to change the truth. So, I really have no idea why people try to. It blows my mind. Why would you choose to go against the truth? There are so many ways someone can become educated. Yet, people truly rather live in the lies they create due to their ignorance.
It makes no sense to me, diary.
I just don't get it.



Love Forever & Always,
Me

Live In The Moment

"You have to fight for what you believe in.
You have to wait for the dream,
Go and get it now.
You have to pick things up where you left off.
And Don't look back.
I still believe in living my chance.
I know they could never take that.
This is a song for all our bad luck.
Maybe you'll never come back."
--School Boy Humor "Don't Look Back"

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in so long, diary. I had an unforseen problem occur and had to go to the hospital. Life's funny that way. You never really know what's going to happen next. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been thinking about how you never really know what's around the next corner. You never know where you are going to be in a few minutes, hours, or days. I've learned this lesson many times throughout my life, but it really hit me when I got sick. One minute you can be completely fine and the next on your way to the hospital.
There is no way to predict what's going to happen in the future. There is no way to predict how life is going to turn out. There is no way to prevent the future from happening either.
It's frustrating, diary, but it's also a blessing.
Life was never meant to be easy. It was never meant to be a piece of cake, but life isn't about how many struggles we deal will. It isn't about the problems we face, but rather how we overcome the curve balls. How we overcome the struggle and survive.
Life is about living in the moment.
It is about taking everything with a grain of salt and pulling through. It's about not worrying what the future holds because we can't control it. It's about fighting for what we want right now. It's about always saying what's is on your mind and thinking before we say something mean.
It's about smiling and being happy despite the mountains we need to climb.
Because we aren't promised one more moment to tell the people we love that we love them.
We aren't promised extra time to say we're sorry to people when it's time to go.
We aren't promised an extra day to become the person we have always wanted to be.
We aren't promised extra months to do the things we've always wanted to.
We aren't promised more time, but we are promised this moment right now.
Being sick helped me to learn that.
It helped me realize that I need to cherish every moment I have. It helped me learn that I need to tell people how I feel, but never leave a conversation with a mean comment
Because I won't get the extra time to apologize someday.
I won't get the extra time to take back what I said.
Being sick helped me to learn that every moment, every word counts because you never know when your last moment is.

Forever & Always,
Me

Unwritten, Undefined

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined.
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.
Staring at the blank page before you,
Open up the dirty window.
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find.
Reaching for something in the distance,
So close you could almost taste it,
Release you inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, No one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten."
--Natasha Bedingfield "Unwritten"

Dear Diary,

My life is not over.
It took me a while to come to this realization.
My future constantly flashes before my eyes. I wonder how I'm going to survive and how my quality of life is going to be. I wonder how I will be able to finish college, get a job, and start a family.
It's easy, it's so easy to think, to believe that my life is over.
And I think some people think that to. They may not tell me straight to my face, but sometimes I feel like people treat me like my life is over. They think "She can't, she's sick" or they pity me. They write me off and don't believe that my life can ever be good, but they also fail to realize that my life is good. I may be sick. I may feel weak and tired sometimes, but I am still happy. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and the strength to carry on. My sickness hasn't changed that. It hasn't broken me down and made me give up on the world, on people. Maybe it has even shown me how good and beautiful people really are. I don't blame and hate the world because I'm sick. I am not unhappy because I'm sick.
And I'm not going anywhere because this is just the beginning for me.
My life will never be easy. I will always be sick. I will always be tired. I will always have to fight because there is no cure. There is no fix, but that doesn't mean I have to stop living. And no, I will not have a "normal" life, but I can still have everything a "normal" person has. I'll just have it in a different way.
My illness has not taken away my life. It has not taken away who I am, and it never will. It will never define me.
Because being sick doesn't end your life,
It changes it.

Love Forever & Always,
Me

I'm Not Alone

"You're not alone. Together we stand.
I'll be by your side. You know I'll take your hand.
When it gets cold and it feels like the end,
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in.
No, I won't give in.
Keep Holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through.
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you."
--Avril Lavigne "Keep Holding On"

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking about how lonely it is to be sick. How it feels like I can be standing in a room with 100 people, yet be alone. How it feels like no one understands; like no one gets it, like no one gets me. I feel like everyone thinks they know what it's like to be me. They think they know what it's like to have tubes, be in pain, be tired, and be sick all of the time. They tell me "I understand, sweetie. It will be okay.", but they have no idea. They have no idea, diary, what its like to not be able to go to sleep at night because you're in pain and nauseas. They have no idea what it is like to be given pill after pill in hopes that one will help. They have no idea what it's like to have to worry about every little germ, every cold outbreak, and every flu strain because your body isn't strong enough to fight them off and you'll most likely catch something.
They have no idea what it's like to deal with a chronic illness, and they don't even try to understand.
They treat me like I'm so fragile.
That I'm like good china or a glass vase.
That I'm going to break.
They tiptoe around my feelings afraid that if they ask me something I'll be mad or upset. They just assume things about me. Sometimes, its feels that people thinks sick is another word for voiceless. I can assure you, diary, I am not voiceless.
It's time people heard me.
I don't want to be treated like I am fragile and tiptoed around like I'm going to break at any second. I'm not going to break. I don't want to people to feel like they can't talk to me or ask me questions, diary.
Somedays it feels like the only people that get it are other people with chronic illness. They know what it's like to be sick. They know what it's like to feel alone, and it helps. It helps to know that other people get it. It helps to know that I'm not the only one that feels the way I do. It helps to know that I may have a chronic illness, but I'm not the only one going through it.
It helps to know that I really am not alone.
That I'm not the only one who has to fight.
That I'm not the only one with scars and tubes.
That I'm not the only one that's sick.

Love Forever & Always,
Me

There's Gotta Be Somebody For Me Out There

" 'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be someone for me like that.
'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know their not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There's gotta be someone for me out there."
--Nickelback "Gotta Be Somebody"

Dear Diary,

I've learned many things due to my chronic illness, but I've learned one thing that I never wanted to. I've learned what it is like to feel that you'll never have somebody to share your life with. I've learned that it is hard to keep a relationship going, and that normal relationship issues are so much worse when you throw in a few illnesses. I've learned that people don't understand, diary. It scares me. It scares me to think that I will never find a boy that will support me, that will hold my hand when I'm sick and tell me that I'm going to be okay, that will love me despite my illness.
Every little little girl imagines their wedding. I used to think about mine. I would find the perfect boy, the perfect dress, and the perfect place. Everything would be perfect.
It has all changed though.
I now imagine what my funeral will be like. I imagine how my death would effect people. Because this is my reality. I may not make it another 10 years despite how hard I fight. I will never give up and I will always fight, but one mistake can be the end of me. One treatment option can be the end of me.
And I am terrified.
I am terrified that I will never see my wedding day. I am terrified that I will never meet that one person. That one person who will come to all my doctor appointments with me. That one person who will support me. That one person who will see me for who I am rather than what I have.
I'm scared that I will never experience one of the most amazing things life has to offer; Love.
And maybe this selfish of me. I have so many people that love and care about me. I have so many people that are by my side. I have experienced the unconditional, unwavering love of a family. Of friends. Maybe this should be enough and it is. It's more than I can ask for, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to experience the other type of love. The love that you aren't born with. The love that grows over time and you have to work for.
It scares me, diary, that I may never find that.
I may never find anyone that understands me, and I can see why. Why would somebody want to deal with someone that is so complicated? Why would someone want to start a relationship with someone that is sick all of the time? I understand why people don't want to get involved with me. I'm not a safe bet. I'm not even a good bet because chances are that I am going to face many problems for the rest of my life. The chances that I will ever get better aren't good. I understand why people don't think of me like that. People don't want to date the sick kid. People don't even consider the sick kid an option, and it is not fair. I may not be a safe or good bet, but I am still a bet.Why can't people see past the tubes, past the paleness, past the rings under my eyes, past the tiredness, the nausea, the sickness to see who I am?
I'm only 19, diary, I shouldn't have to worry about the fact that I may never find love, but this is my reality. I don't get looked at like other girls do. I don't get chances to show people who I am.
I am the "sick" girl.
But the truth is, I am so much more.


Love Forever & Always,
Me

I Am Still Me

"You can take everything I have.
You can break everything I am.
Like I'm made of glass.
Like I'm made of paper.
Go on and try to tear me down.
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a skyscraper, Like a skyscraper."
--Demi Lovato "Skyscraper"

Dear Diary,

I've been struggling with this for a long time. I've struggled with myself, with my past, with my present, with who I am, with my illness. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have asked myself "Why me?" and "What did I do wrong?". I can't even begin to tell you how many people I have lost, diary. I can't even begin to tell you what my life has been like. I can't begin to explain what goes through my head on a daily basis; the fight I constantly have with myself in order to stay positive and not blame myself.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm finally starting to realize that this isn't my fault. It is not my fault that I am sick. It is not my fault that I hurt. It's not my fault that people walk away. It's not my fault that people don't understand. It's not my fault that I'm not normal.
I have worked so hard to be normal. I've tried my best to go out, meet new people, to just be able to stay up with my friends. I've had to work the past three years to show people that I'm still me. I'm still the person they've always known.
I have worked so hard to show people that I am not my illness. That I am so much more than that. I really don't get why I'm defined by what I have rather than who I am.
I am so much more than just the "sick girl".
I am so much more than my illnesses
and I think I'm done, diary.
I think I'm done trying to convince people who I am because if they can't see who I am, if they can't take the time to get to know me, than I don't need them in my life. If they can't see that I'm the type of person who will smile through the pain. The type of person that will feel horrible and run down, but still be more worried about the kid down the hall who is sick. The type of person that will fight for everything I have, everything I am, and everything I love.The type of person who above all things is a fighter, is resilient, and will never back down. Than I don't need those people in my life.
I am ill, but ill isn't who I am.
I will never be normal, and I'm starting to be okay with that. I accept who I am. I accept that I'm chronically ill. I accept that I may never get better. I accept that I was dealt a hard hand in life and I'm okay with this. I've learned so much from being sick and in a way, my illness made me who I am today. It may not define me, but it has helped me find myself.

I am strong.
I will fight.
I will get by
and in the end, I will smile and be okay.
Because that is who I am.
I am a fighter. I am resilient. I am beautiful. I am a good person.
And above all,
I am alive.


Love Forever & Always,
Me

A Moment Came and Stopped me on a Dime

"He said "I was finally the husband
That most of the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin'
Wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well, I finally read the Good Book
And I took a good long hard look,
At what I'd do if I could do it all again."
--Tim McGraw "Live Like You Were Dying"

Dear Diary,

I was diagnosed approximately 3 years ago with my first chronic illness. Since then I've realized how much my life has came into perspective. I've realized what really matters, who really matters. I've realized that all the silly little things in life, like popularity and clothes, aren't important. I've realized that you're not promised a tomorrow and that you don't always get a 2nd chance. It's scary to think about that, diary, sometimes terrifying. The other day I experienced something that I never thought I would experience. I got really sick with a blood infection. I was afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid I was going to die.
This is the first time I truly felt like my body could not take it anymore.
I was tired, fevered, and I just felt wrong.
This scares me because I have been fighting for so long. But I also realized that it is okay to be afraid and scared sometimes. It is okay to lean on someone else for support, for strength. It is okay to need someone.
I'm not going to lie to you, diary. I'm am not going to tell you that I am always strong. That I don't get mad. That I don't cry and get frustrated sometimes. The truth is that I do get tired. I do get angry and upset. I do break down and cry, but it is okay. It is okay because I have people around me to be my strength when I am weak. I have people to rely on when I need it and at the end of the day, this is what matters. These people help me through my toughest times. They are the reason I work to be strong. That I work to be a better person. That I work to stay alive.
Since I became sick, I've realized that I have to be strong, but I also have to have strong people behind me. I've realized that I have to forgive people and give 2nd chances. I've realized that I need to find the beauty in people, in the world. That I need to love instead of hate. That I need to let things go and walk away. And that I need to say what I mean and what I feel because one day I may not get a 2nd chance to become the person that I want to be. I'm not entitled to one more day. No one is.
When I got sick, I realized that life is a gift.

Love Forever & Always,
ME

Storybook Endings, Fairytales Coming True

"Starting your fashion, Wear your heart on your sleeve.
Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe.
Unafraid. Unashamed.
There is joy to be claimed in this world.
You even might wind up being glad to be you.
Ever, Ever After
Though, the world will tell you it's not smart.
Ever, Ever After
The world can be yours if you let your heart.
Believe in ever after."
--Carrie Underwood "Ever, Ever After"

Dear Diary,

I read a question on a website the other day, diary. I've been thinking about it for a few days now because I think it's one of the most important questions I've ever saw.

Who is going to be there when all your dreams come true?

This question hit home because I realized it's a hard question. I thought it would be so easy to anwser, but I'm not sure what my dreams consist of. I have so many. The little ones like having a family, getting married, becoming a nurse, and being happy. Perhaps, a lot of people don't think these dreams are little. Maybe to some people these dreams are what they have been working towards and waiting to accomplish their whole lives. Maybe that's what normal dreams are like, but my dreams are different, diary.

I dream that somebody someday finds a cure.
I dream that if a cure can't be found, a better treatment becomes available.
I dream that if I end up needing a transplant, that I survive.
I dream that I will be able to help somebody someday.
I dream that people will read you and take something from you.
I dream that the hatred in the world stops.
I dream that kids wouldn't have to get chronic illnesses.
I dream that I will make a difference.
I dream that I will change the world.

I don't know if my dreams will ever come true. I don't know if I can have that much of an impact on someone, on the world, but I can try. As for who is going to be at my side, that's tricky.
I would like to think that everyone that reads you will be at my side.
I would like to think that one day people will see how good and beautiful people are, how good and beautiful the world is. I would like to think that one day we all will be able to look at each other with love instead of hate. I would like to think that one day people will see other people, especially those with chronic illnesses, for who they are. For the fighters they are. For the strength that they hold. I would like to think that one day everyone will stand by me in saying that tubes, scars, and people in general are beautiful because just because they exist. Because they are people with personalities and feelings.
So, in a way, I hope everyone in the world will be their when my dreams come true. That everyone will help my dreams come true.

Maybe we can all change the world.

As for my other dreams...
I know the people that love me will be their when my dreams come true. My incredible mom. My unbelievably amazing sister. My caring father. My cousins and aunts and uncles. My loving family. My best friends. My favorite doctors.
I truly believe that if I need a transplant one day, a new treatment comes by and works, or a cure is found,when it's all said and done and I've survived, that I will stand there with these people. I will look at these people and tell them "We did it. We've made it. We've survived and We're Okay"
I believe that if these things happen, everyone with a chronic illness, we be able to stand together and shout "It's over!"
I believe that we will be able to look to the stars, to all the people who have died due to a illness, to all the people who have fought so hard and thank them.
Thank them for fighting.
Thank them for helping doctors find better ways to treat us and cure us.
Thank them for their lives.
I know, diary, that I will be able to stand with my loved ones and be thankful that they have always been their to support me. I even know that I will be thankful for the struggles I went through. For the strength that helped me fight everything. Even for my chronic illnesses. Because these things and people, they made me who I am today.
They helped me to write my story.
They are a part of who I am.
And for that, I could never be anything but grateful.

Love Forever & Always,
Me