Life is Messy and Beautiful and Insane and Simply Perfect

"Remain close, but stay away.

Keep your distance, but be careful how far you stray.

Don't forget where you were born.

Don't forget this moment."

--The Details "Always, Always, Always, Never."

Dear Diary,

 I've been thinking about this tonight. Not for the first time. I'm sure it won't be the last.

I think it goes through all our minds. You know, when that happy ending is at the end movie, that's when we think this. When we read about this epic story where everything ends up perfect and everybody loves everybody, we think it.

   We dream it. We think it. We strive for it.

We want perfect.

We want the happy ending, where nobody gets hurt or sick, and everybody falls in love.

And, in a way, this is okay. It's okay to want love and happy endings.

But, if we strive only for this reality, we forget what life really is.

Life is messy. 

It is a big ball of mess that we can never figure out.

The mess is never ending.

Life isn't perfect. It's filled with heartbreak. It's filled with hate.

It's filled with illness and sickness. It's filled with obstacles.

Life is messy, but in the middle of that, it's beautiful.

We strive so much to get perfection, when reality, the mess is the perfection.

We forget. We forget how the bad things make the good things so good.

It's the mess that helps us become who we are.

It helps us to find and see the love in the world.

It mold us into becoming strong, resilient, and amazing.

And, maybe, sometimes it's a little insane.

It's painful, busy, complicated, hard, and perfect.

I think that we forget that perfect doesn't mean everything will end up exactly how we want it.

Perfect doesn't mean everything will be okay.

Perfect doesn't mean that we will never fight with the person we love.

Perfect doesn't even mean that we will automatically have a happy ending.

Perfect is messy. We will fight with the people we love. They will hurt us and we will hurt them, at times. Some of the people we love won't be good for us. We may not be good for them. Unexpected things will happen. People will get sick. Plans will get changed. I will struggle. Everybody will struggle. There will always be another obstacle, but in the end, life really is wonderful.

It's in all the hard stuff that we find the beautiful things. That we find love. That we get perfection.

I love my life. 

It is messy. It is hard and complicated, and sometimes I don't know what tomorrow will bring. 

But, at the end of the day, despite all the hardships, it's amazing.

It's an adventure.

It is simply messy and perfect, and I wouldn't anything less.

I'm okay with that.

You have to make your own happy ending. You have to create your own perfect.

Mostly, you just have to learn to love the mess.

Because, in it's own insanely complicated, messy, and overlooked way, Life is perfect.

Love Forever & Always,

Me

"If everyone cared and nobody cried,

If everyone loved and nobody lied,

If everyone shared and swallowed their pride,

Then we'd see the day nobody died. 

And in the air the fireflies,

Our only light in paradise.

We show the world that they were wrong,

And teach them all to sing along."

--Nickelback "If Everyone Cared"

 Dear Diary,

I have something on my mind tonight. I don't really want to get into details.

I just thought I would talk to you about this, diary.

I thought I would talk to you because I am upset.

I really try. I really try so hard. I try to be a good person.

I try to do what is right. I try to be kind.

I try to be grateful and generous.

I try to be thankful.

The thing is, though, I will never truly be able to show everyone how thankful I am for all of them, and all that they do for me.

All I can do is try.
I can pay it back.

But, the truth is, I will never be able to show everyone how much they mean to me, how much they truly help me, and mostly how much they inspire me.

It does not take a nation to change the world. All it takes is one person, and the simplest things can mean the world to someone else.

This what we are here for. It may not be our whole plan and destiny, but being kind is whats makes us who we are. 

Helping others is part of humanity.

It's a part of each and every one of us, but sometimes people get lost a long the way.

It's not enough to do something for attention or because you think you should.

That's not enough.

You need to do things in anonymity. 

Do things that nobody knows about because you want to, because it's the right thing to do.

Don't brag about it. Don't expect gratitude or even a thanks.

Do it because you care.

Do it because you love.

Mostly, do it because it only takes one person to start changing the world.

Sometimes, it frustrates me. It frustrates me when people do things with ulterior motives.

But, I'm starting to think, that people like this need our kindness and positivity the most.

I think I'm realizing that I need to change the way I look at people who make me upset.

When someone is unkind, it should just give me more of a reason to be kind to them.

I need to realize that instead of getting upset, I should show kindness towards them.

Positivity is contagious. We just need to take the initiative to show people. 

It's so simple to show someone a little positivity.

A smile, a few nice words, or even a simple act of kindness can do this. 

I think Gandhi had it right when he said to "Be the change you want to see in the world."

If we want others to be kind, we must kind ourselves.

We must show everyone how we see the world, if we want them to take their shades off.

We must be the change.

Love Forever and Always,

Me 

Balance

"Sometimes I don't want to feel and forget the pain is real,

put my head in the clouds. Oh, I start to run  and then I fall thinking
I can't get it all without my feet on the ground.
There's always a seed before there's a rose.
The more that it rains, the more I will grow.
I gotta have roots before branches, to know who I am before
I know who I want to be, and faith to take chances, 
to live like I see a place in this world for me.
Whatever comes, I know how to take it.
Learn to be strong, I won't have to fake it.
Oh, you're understanding. The wind can come and do it's best.
Blow me North, South, East, and West, but I'll still be standing.
I'll be standing."
--Room for Two "Roots Before Branches"

 Dear Diary,
It's been a while, but I think I needed this.
I needed to write because words help. One word can say so many things. 
One word can hold so many emotions and feelings.
And what I feel, well, it's frustrated. 
Did you ever feel like every time you take two steps forward that you have to jump through another obstacle? That you have to take a step back?
I jumped through hoops to get where I am. I am a miracle, and I am so grateful for that.
I'm so grateful that I was able to get this far in life.
I'm so grateful to eat, to just be able to do that one simple thing. That one simple thing that so many take for granted.
I'm so grateful to just be alive because there is still so many things I want to do, and so many people I want to help.
But, sometimes, I get frustrated.
Sometimes, it's hard to get so far and then take a step back.
I know that I can handle whatever storm comes my way.
I know I am strong.
I know that a little faith, hope, and positivity can save your life.
It's, just, sometimes it's hard for me to find that balance.
I will never be completely healthy.
I will never be normal.
I've accepted that. I've accepted that my life is complicated and that I'm unique, and honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. I have learned so much through all my struggles, and they have helped me become somebody I'm proud of. I am who I am because of them. I am strong and resilient, and I have the drive to help people. I'm not my illness, but it sure does play a role in shaping me. I'm okay with that.
I have accepted all of this.
It's just hard to find balance.
How do I find that place where I can be recovering and sick at the same time? How do I find that place where I know my limits and how to pace myself?
It seems like it should be so easy. It seems simple.
But, it's not, and maybe that's okay.
Maybe I'm just one big contradiction.
 Recovering, yet sick. Unique, yet complicated. Frustrated, yet happy.
Maybe I'm just one big mystery that I haven't even completely figured out yet.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure what life is going to hand me. I don't know what cards will be dealt.
I know I'm going to get frustrated, and even mad sometimes.
I know I will struggle with my health, and that I will have to take a step or two back every once in a while.
But, in the end, I know I'll climb that mountain and cross that bridge when I get there.
I know I will keep on going because that is who I am.
It doesn't matter how many things are in my way, or how many times I lose or get frustrated.
I am a fighter, and that's not going to change.
I will never give up. I will never back down. I will never lose faith.
Because this is my journey. This is my life.
This is my story, and I'm not going to stop writing it.


Love Forever and Always,
Me