Absences and Projects

"Maybe you and I can't do great things.
We may not change the world in one day.
But, we can still change some things today
In our small way.
Just a little time it takes.
What a difference just a smile can make, you'll see
Love is all we need."
--Michael Jackson "In Our Small Way"

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been busy. You see, sometimes being sick is a full time job. Each day is like a it's own little mystery in a way. I never truly know exactly what's going to happen. I've, also, been busy with a new project, diary. I'm really excited about it.
I've told you before that I dream of making a difference. That I dream of changing the world. That I dream of helping people.
I've decided that it's time to make my dreams a reality. I may not change the world. I may not make a difference in everybody's life, but that's not going to stop me from trying. If I can help one person, if I can motivate and inspire just one single person, it'll be worth it.
My new project is simple, but I truly believe it will help some people. Maybe I'll explain it to you more one day, diary.
My goal with it is to become a non-profit organization.
Some people told me it's hard to do that. I've researched it, and it is complicated.
It saddens me that they make it so complicated to do something good for society. It saddens me that the world puts a price on helping people.
But, I'm not going to let this discourage me. I'm determined and motivated. I'm not sure I ever felt this strongly about anything ever.
Wish me luck, diary.


Love Forever and Always,
Me

Laugh or Cry

"When I've had enough, a little voice inside,
It says "You've got to be tough,
You've got to take it in stride."
Sometimes I'm foolish. I let it get the best of me.
At least, I know that my mistakes
are my responsibility.
and I just have to laugh to keep from crying.
I just have to laugh to keep from crying."
--Madonna "Laugh to Keep From Crying"

Dear Diary,

I've learned something very important in the last few years.
Nobody's ever going to have the perfect life. Nobody's ever going to have a completely easy life because life isn't easy. Life isn't supposed to be easy. Everybody gets thrown curveballs sometimes. Everybody will have to go through some "hard times" and days that they just want to give up. Life isn't always going to be a piece of cake. There will be struggles, hardships, and disappointments.
But the thing is, you can either laugh or you can cry.
You can either be happy despite your problems, or you can be sad and wallow in them.
I choose to laugh, diary.
I am sick. I'll probably always be sick. I'll probably always have complications that I need to deal with. There isn't a cure, but that's just how it is. I'm not change that, but I'm also not going to let that stop me from living my life. I choose to be happy and laugh. I choose to deal with the hand I've been given, rather than letting that hand deal with me.
There's no point in being upset over something that I can't fix. Being depressed or upset isn't going to change the situation that I'm in. I'm not saying that I don't cry or get upset sometimes. I do, but everybody does. I just choose not to keep crying. I choose to be happy. I don't want people to feel pity for me and think of me as this sad sick girl.
I rather not wallow in my problems.
I may not be able to control everything about my life, but that's okay.
I'm rather not cry.
I rather laugh.
I choose to laugh.


Love Forever& Always,
Me

Love and Support

"Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes.
Come on and come to me now. Don't be ashamed to cry.
Let me see you through 'cause I've seen the dark side too.
When night falls on you, you don't know what to do.
Nothing you confess could make me love you less.
I'll stand by you. I'll stand by you.
Won't let nobody hurt you. I'll stand by you."
--Glee Cast "I'll Stand By You"

Dear Diary,

I've learned a lot in the past few years. I learned strength. I've learned pain. I've learned who I am. I've learned so many things, but most importantly I learned how important it is to have a support system. You need people standing behind you. People that can pick you up when you fall. People that love you despite everything.
I've always valued independence. In a way, I still do, but I've also learned that being dependent on people is okay. When I got sick, I needed everyone so much more than before. I needed extra help because I couldn't do it on my own. I still can't do it on my own, and that is okay.
It is okay to need someone.
It is okay to rely on people.
I am so lucky, diary.
I have the most amazing family anybody could ever ask for.
I have some really great friends.
Without my support system, without help from my family and friends, I'm not sure I would be here today. They give me strength. They give me a shoulder to cry on. They give me support. They lend me a listening ear when I need it, but most importantly, they give me love.
I am loved, diary.
And that right there is more than anything I could ever ask for.


Love Forever & Always,
Me

Harsh Words and Disappointment

" He was such a nice boy.
The quiet one with good intentions.
He was down for his brother, respectful to his mother
A good boy, but good don't get attention.
One kid with a promise, the brightest kid in school.
He's not a fool.
Reading books about science and smart stuff
It's not enough, no
'cause smart don't make you cool, whoa."
--Kelly Rowland "Stole"

Dear Diary,

There is something that has been bothering me for a long time. Almost every day, I see or hear of a case of bullying. He's ugly. She's ugly. I would never leave my house if I had a tube like that. She's a whore. He's a dick. She just wants attention and he is just a loser.
It makes me sad, diary.
It disappoints me to no end.
We are supposed to be a civilized society. Yet, we degrade and judge constantly. We talk about ending bullying. We talk about peace. Yet, the disrespect and maliciousness prevails.
It bothers me that we are so quick to say something mean to someone else, rather than to tell them everything we love about them. Since I became sick, I've had tubes put in my body. I have gained weight from medicine and fluid. I have become more pale.
I will be judged for this.
Recently, I posted a picture of myself and two other girls who have or have had tubes in their nose at one point on a most beautiful teen contest. We got comments with people saying we just want sympathy votes or we are not beautiful. I did not post those pictures to get sympathy. I posted them so that people realize that beauty doesn't just come from the outside. Beauty isn't about how somebody looks, acts, or talks. Beauty is about who you are, and everybody is beautiful in their own way.
It saddens me to think that people in today's world still have a shallow and ignorant way of thinking. It saddens me that people cannot see the beauty that lies with every human being.
It saddens me that people cannot see the beauty in the world.
It bothers me that people are so quick to bully someone else. They are so quick to call out somebody's insecurities. They are so quick to ridicule.
They don't think about how their words affect other people.
They don't realize that people are dying because of bullying.
People are killing themselves.
People are killing other people.
I wonder how many people have to die before we realize that we need to stop the judging. We need to stop the ridicule. We need to stop the hate because if we don't people are going to die.
Maybe if we all spread love, diary, the world would be a better place.
Maybe if we all took a second to realize the beauty in other people, we wouldn't be so quick to call out their insecurities.

Everyone is beautiful.
Everyone's life matters.
Nobody deserves harsh words.

Love Forever & Always,
Me

Penny For Your Thoughts

"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar.
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner.
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing.
Funny, when you're dead people start listening."
--The Band Perry "If I Die Young"

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been thinking about how people don't hear you as well, until you're not here to be heard anymore. It's funny how when you die suddenly everything you've stood for, everything you lectured about, and everything you wanted people to hear gets heard more. It's funny how it takes death for people to start to listen.
It makes me sad, diary.
It's sad to think that people have to die to make a difference.
It's sad to think that I won't be heard, that I won't be listened to, until I'm not here to talk anymore. It's sad to think that people are so blinded by everything else that they don't have time to listen. They don't have time to be bothered with messages from people, no matter how important that message is.
I can't change this, diary.
I can't change people if they don't want to change, but that isn't going to stop me from trying.
It isn't going to stop me from talking, from trying to make people listen. It isn't going to stop me from trying to make a difference because maybe someday, someone out there will listen.
It shouldn't stop anyone from talking, from spreading their stories, from spreading their messages.
I choose to be heard now, even if nobody wants to listen.
Because someday, maybe somebody will hear me.
Maybe somebody will spread my story.
Maybe somebody will spread my messages.
And maybe I won't be heard until I'm gone,
but at least I tried. At least I kept talking, kept writing.
At least my story, my words, my messages were put out there.


Love Forever & Always,
Me

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful

"After all this has passed, I still will remain.
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it wont be today, someday I'll hope again.
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.
My whole world is the pain inside me.
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory,
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place.
And though I can't understand why this happened,
I know that I will when I look back someday.
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes.
And made me as gold purified through these flames."
--Superchick "Beauty From Pain"

Dear Diary,

Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim.
Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you.
I read this quote today in a book I was reading. I've realized how much these words mean to me. I've always thought that we are only given as much as we can handle. I've always thought that there is a reason that I'm sick. I truly believe that one day all of the things that I go through, all of the pain I endure, and all of my struggles will be worth it.
One day everything is going to make sense,
even if I don't make it, diary.
Everybody was put here for a purpose, for a reason. This includes me.
I struggle all the time, but I'm starting to realize and understand that my illnesses are not a curse. In fact, maybe they are a blessing.
Maybe one day everything that I go through will be able to help someone else, even if my fight isn't enough someday. I may never understand the workings of the world. I may never understand why people are the way they are. I may never understand what my purpose in life is. But, maybe that right there is beauty in itself.
I don't think we were ever meant to understand the world. I don't think we were ever meant to understand hardship and disaster, but I do believe that one day hardships that we go through will make sense.
Perhaps, one day I will be able to help another person who is struggling due to the fact that I was once there. I was once in there place. I once filled their shoes. I once felt that pain.
I truly believe that one day I will be thankful for all that I endured. I believe that one day I will be able to make a difference in someone's life because of it.

Everything happens for a reason.
It's time to realize that because maybe
Beauty really does come from pain.
Because with out it we might never know strength.
We might never know love.
We might never know hope.
We might never know how to live.

Love Forever & Always,
ME